Receiving compliments can be distracting, and lead to a self-conscious state that's cognitively draining.
It's full of inspiration, but Eddie Brummelman doesn't find the Dutch expression "101 manieren om een kind te prijzen" very positive. The phrase, which is printed onto an educational poster, translates to "101 ways to praise a child", and contains suggested compliments like "you do that beautifully…" and "very good!"
The poster's message may seem innocent, helpful even. But Brummelman, an associate professor of developmental psychology at the University of Amsterdam, refers to this as inflated praise. And his research suggests that inflated praise can actually deepen a cycle of low self-esteem, even if it's intended to combat it.
It's not just exaggerated compliments that can cause discomfort. A German woman who dismisses a colleague's compliment on her appearance, or a Japanese boy who responds "No, no" when a relative calls him talented, might in some settings be considered ungrateful. Indeed, the internet abounds with advice on becoming better at receiving compliments. Yet it isn't necessarily a shortcoming to downplay compliments, psychology research suggests. This is good news for the many people who feel tongue-tied on receiving a compliment, then beat themselves up over their seemingly inadequate response.
Compliments that stereotype
One reason that it's not always necessary to learn to be a better compliment recipient is that some compliments are unwittingly insulting. When black Americans are called "articulate" or US-born Asians are praised for their English fluency, such praise reveals the speaker's bias: in this case, being surprised that a racial minority is well spoken. Patronising compliments based on a group identity (like "You showed good leadership, for a woman") can lead to anger and a desire for confrontation.
When praise follows gender norms, as it so often does, inappropriate compliments can entrench stereotypes. Sexual harassment may be disguised as flattery, which often puts the burden on women to gracefully accept harassment, rather than on men to not harass and objectify women.
In general, women receive more compliments than men. When men are complimented, it's mainly on their abilities, whereas appearance-based compliments are much more common for women. And these compliments have distinct effects. "Appearance compliments lead to appearance focus and body monitoring," says Rotem Kahalon, an assistant professor of social psychology at Bar-Ilan University in Ramat-Gan, Israel. Neuroscience research suggests that words referring to the body, including body-focused compliments, are processed more quickly and accurately in the brain, than those that are less related to the body, such as "friendly".
One potential consequence is actually slowing down the complimentee's thinking. Kahalon coauthored a study of Israeli university students that found that both men and women who received appearance-based compliments subsequently did much worse on math tests. Even though these compliments can feel good, Kahalon interpreted this to suggest that they can create a distracting self-consciousness that undermines cognitive performance. "This monitoring of one's body is a cognitively depleting mental state," Kahalon says.
Other psychological evidence suggests that appearance-based compliments can be especially draining for women. In a study of Italian students simulating a job interview, inappropriate compliments increased anxiety and depression levels in women, though not men. At the same time, women in many cultures are expected to be modest as well as attractive, creating tensions around how to respond to compliments.
Overall, "appearance compliments subtly reinforce women's traditional role as sex objects whose appearance is constantly policed," Kahalon says. Though praise for a woman's appearance may seem innocent and even positive, "it also serves to maintain the gender status quo, in which women are evaluated based on their appearance," she says.
Responding to compliments
While research on compliment response is dominated by so-called "Weird" societies (Western, Educated, Industrialised, Rich and Democratic), and students tend to be overrepresented as research participants, cross-cultural studies show that there's no universally appropriate way to handle a compliment.
For one thing, in some societies, compliments are not viewed positively. For instance, compliments can be seen as threatening in communities where beliefs in both envy and witchcraft are strong.
Even in societies where compliments are largely perceived as positive, researchers have documented different levels of compliment acceptance (which is often signalled simply by saying "thanks"). One study of Nigerian English speakers found that 94% of collected compliments were accepted, compared to 88% in a study of South Africans, 66% in a study of Americans, and 61% in a study of New Zealanders.
But there's a wide variety of ways to respond to a compliment beyond simple acceptance or rejection. A German conversation analysis found that while the study participants overwhelmingly accepted compliments, they tended to do so not by saying "thank you". Instead they sometimes commented on the compliment itself, for instance by responding "that's nice" when told "it was nice this evening here at your place". (This may be part of a German politeness culture where compliments are less frequent but more truthful than, for instance, in the US.)
Many researchers have documented an internal conflict when someone is complimented, between wanting to keep the conversation smooth by agreeing, but also feeling obligated to avoid self-praise. This conflict can be especially strong in certain settings. In Japan, where there is often pressure to repudiate praise, 45% of compliments identified in one study led to a negative response. But Japanese speakers have are a variety of strategies to acknowledge a compliment without endorsing or rejecting it outright, such as giving a series of head nods or humorously suggesting that the complimented behaviour is actually sinister.
For someone who has grown up in a culture where feedback tends to focus on how to improve rather than on what they're doing well, it may sometimes be uncomfortable to receive compliments. Chinese children "are trained to focus on their shortcomings and not boast of their accomplishments," says Florrie Fei-Yin Ng, a professor in the department of educational psychology at the Chinese University of Hong Kong. "From this perspective, it is not surprising that Chinese children may feel uneasy when they receive praise," she says.
While the Westernisation of Chinese culture means that compliment acceptance is increasing in China (and in other countries, including Iran), Ng says that Chinese children are still observing how adults respond to praise and modelling their own behaviour on that. For example, they may observe that when their relatives praised them in front of their parents, their parents would deflect the praise, she says.
Of course, one type of parenting is not inherently better than the other. Constantly praising children without regard to how they actually performed can become empty and ineffective. But withholding it may harm emotional adjustment. "Whether a behaviour is likely to be associated with positive child outcomes depends on the extent to which behaviour is socially acceptable in the child's social world," Ng says.
For some adults as well, criticism can be more galvanising than praise. For example, experts tend to be more motivated by negative feedback than novices.
When praise doesn't help
Of course, there are also personality factors that affect how someone responds to praise. Compliments can provoke anxiety in people with low self-esteem, because the compliments challenge their self-views and make them feel misunderstood. The fear of being evaluated negatively is also heightened in people with social anxiety disorder.
But even for others, an unexpected compliment can be destabilising. "In essence praise is an evaluation," says Brummelman. Even when it's positive, "people don't always enjoy being evaluated…it takes you out of the moment. It makes you more concerned about what other people think of you."
In addition to suddenly triggering an unwelcome awareness that you are being judged, praise can abruptly make you more aware of a power difference. After all, Brummelman says, "it's very common for teachers to praise students, but it's not very common for students to praise teachers. I think you see that in the workplace as well."
Brummelman's work with children suggests that children can be very sensitive to how they're being praised. For instance, inflated compliments from teachers can signal that they have low expectations of certain students, such as those from low socioeconomic backgrounds, and are praising lavishly to overcompensate. "Students then interpret the inflated praise as evidence that they are not so smart," says Brummelman.
In a study of singing children in the Netherlands, Brummelman and colleagues also found that disproportionate praise led socially anxious children to blush. "Blushing really is a sign that other people might evaluate you negatively," Brummelman says. "It often occurs when we are the centre of attention." In this case, while social anxiety was one factor making children uncomfortable, another factor was the level of the praise. Telling kids to simply accept an excessive compliment without reddening would not be helpful.
Children show this awareness of the nuances of praise from a very young age. "Preschoolers, when they see that teachers praise lavishly…regardless of the quality of their work, they start trusting their teachers' praise less," Brummelman says. In other words, the value of praise diminishes if it's indiscriminate.
In fact, lavish praise may do more harm than good. Brummelman observes, "Parents are more likely to give praise to kids who have low self-esteem. And that's because they think these kids need praise to feel better about themselves. But that's not true." His and colleagues' research shows that when children with low self-esteem receive more inflated praise, their self-esteem actually becomes worse over time. Inflated praise sets up expectations that are impossible to measure up to, while also signalling to children that their self-worth should be linked to external praise.
Brummelman advocates breaking the vicious cycle by being more judicious and tailored with praise. While parents sometimes give praise to show interest, there are other ways to do so. For instance, instead of automatically and effusively praising a child's drawing, a parent could simply sit down and talk about the drawing, expressing enthusiasm. "Kids crave warmth and affection more than they crave your positive evaluations," Brummelman believes. Overall, "I think we really overestimate how much people enjoy being praised," he says.
Relieving the pressure
So, though it's important not to demonise compliment-givers, who are usually praising another person with the intention of making them feel good, compliments could be handled with greater care.
At the same time, compliment recipients can let themselves off the hook if they don't always have the energy to accept praise gracefully. This might be related to a personality trait or cultural factor that isn't easy (or necessary) to shift. Or a particular compliment might simply reveal more about the compliment giver's goals than the recipient's needs.
"There are all these different reasons why praise can make you feel bad," Brummelman concludes. "I certainly believe that it's not a person's responsibility to learn how to take a compliment. But what could be helpful is to just practise the standard response you give and not care so much if it makes you feel uneasy," he says.
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The Link LonkApril 04, 2024 at 08:17PM
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Why it's so hard for some people to accept compliments - BBC.com
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